It's been a while since I've posted - usual story - busy, work, home-life - excuses, excuses.

Well, I've made a prat of myself. Not hard.

We had on next fertility check-up appointment yesterday. To rewind the scenario, if you remember my February semen fluid analysis came back as sub-optimal and showed signs of some infection. Well, I took the antibiotics as prescribed and had to wait 6 weeks before conducting another test - that made it 12th April time. So, despite having a deadline at work, I took some time out last Friday morning to produce a new sample - with disastrous effects. If the last result was lacking in quantity, this one would top it! So, I failed to produce a decent sample. I would have to try again in a few days. So, I'm stood at the bus-stop when the wife calls to check I'd done the dirty deed. So I lied. I said it was better than the previous attempt and was on my way to the lab to drop it off so the result would be ready prior to the hospital appointment.

Stupid, thoughtless mistake.

So, I tried a further attempt on Tuesday - again struggling to produce the goods - maybe I'm stressing too much? - maybe trying to ejaculate into a small, thin pot usually used for urine samples is not the best equipment?

so, I failed.

Along comes the hospital appointment - we turn up 9.45am with our appointment at 10.30am. A LONG time to agonise over the precarious situation I've put myself in. So, 2 hours after our arrival, we are seen by the female consultant....... and a bloody young female student observing. Great.

She talks through the wife's results which all come back as fairly okay. Then onto me. Shit. She mentions the first results being inconclusive and we mention I've produced another sample awaiting the outcome. So the consultant says she will chase it up and we are told to take a seat in the waiting room. Now I felt pressurised to come clean - it felt like everybody sat in the waiting room was staring and looking directly at me. All the couples coming out of the consultant rooms were distraught and in tears - which also played on my mind heavily. I had just blatantly lied to my wife and a hospital consultant in order to buy myself some time to produce a decent sample in fear of my wife's reaction for not being able to perform a simple task.

So, I confessed there and then. The wife walked off in tears leaving me to embarassingly explain to two nurses the truth - much to their amusement.

The consultant was good about it - telling me to go away and chat to my GP about things and about producing another test. I went home with the wife to talk through a lot of issues - why I had lied, why didn't I tell her the truth etc. Believe me, it was one tough afternoon of talking.

So, what's the possibility of having lots of little Moleys running around in the next couple of years? - slim - at this moment in time there's a few complications hampering progress which need to be addressed. Rather frustrating when you get into your 30s and you see your friends & siblings have children etc. I'm just resigned to the fact it may be a long and emotional process and that we may need to think of the other options long-term.

Adoption - lovely idea but not sure as now on the legal side children have rights to find out about their real parents or vice-versa. I just see some drunk, hagged-looking woman turning up on my doorstep wanting her ginger-haired, freckly-faced 'charlie' ot 'tommy' back.

Fostering - again, a lot of emotions involved - getting too attached to a lovely kid and then having the hartbreak to return them to their rightful families. Also, the possiblity of looking after an unstable child with emotional baggage/problems.

So, I'm left here thinking I've been a total idiot lately - my wife disappointed in me and me very disappointed in myself for lying and not telling the truth on something so important to my wife. Feels like I've cheated on her. Definitely think I'm inadequate and firing blanks and that having children is not going to happen.

Being in my 30s is the toughest years I've lived through. Like I say, most of my friends have children. Both mine and my wife's sisters have had children. My parents dote on their grandchildren like prized treasures/possessions. I'm left thinking what to make of things and the way forward. I should be grateful in life - it's not like I'm fighting cancer or suffering a life-threatening illness. I have a loving wife and support of friends/family.

But left feeling totally gutted....